oh no.

ey up

2009-12-24T09:02:00.000-08:00

deleted all the posts on my old blog and i'm starting afresh, this one kind of died.

http://rachelbrassey.blogspot.com

debauchery is my new favourite thing

2009-10-07T15:01:00.000-07:00

having a crazy few weeks, i'm having the best time ever, i've met the best bunch of people and been on the greatest nights out. a lot of superlatives flying around there but i genuinely can't explain how good a time i'm having. lectures are not going too well, i've turned up to a few drunk and fallen asleep in at least three, but i'm making the most of my time here!

lomography

2009-09-07T19:07:00.000-07:00

I'm back after a long absence, not that anybody reads this any more! Finally have a new macbook, after my old one kicked the bucket, rest in peace, whitey. A lot has been going on recently and this is a brief summary, not that anyone cares, it's 3.25am and I'm vainly attempting to keep myself entertained
Somehow, despite my severe lack of effort during my 7 years of high school I passed my A-levels and got a place at uni. Win! I have no idea how I got in, because I didn't get the grades I needed for my course, but they let me in anyway. I've been a flukey bastard from the start, and I have no intention of giving up now. I honestly manage to blag my way through everything. That saying, "those who try, succeed" ...er I think not.
Also, despite my previous post swearing I'd never get a boyfriend again for the REST OF MY LIFE EVER, I did and it's all good, I haven't been pissed off once after 2 months (and 2 weeks) SOLIDLY of seeing each other, every day and all that, which as far as I'm concerned is a huge achievement for me, I can't ever bear my best friend's/mother's/dog's company for more than about a week, but i'm going to stop talking about that now because i'm sure nobody at all really wants to hear sentimental shite coming from me.
To the main point of why I blogged, despite getting sidetracked by photos of myself/my life story; I move out a week on Thursday, to Manchester, 44.2 miles away from aforementioned boyfriend in Chester, 218 miles from Glasgow, 239 miles from Portsmouth, 159 miles from London, 135 miles from Durham and 41 miles from Bromborough. This means that I am, on average 139 MILES away from all my friends. Time to whip out my maths skills.

139 miles >= bad times.

I am terrified about making new friends, because I don't think that anybody in the whole wide world is as good as the friends I have now, nobody else could possibly understand my insane habits/stupid sense of humour/weird traits quite like they do and that SUCKS. I hate meeting new people because I come across as arrogant and seem like i take myself seriously when really its the COMPLETE OPPOSITE and i'm just concentrating on not blurting something horrifically embarrassing out because
a) my mouth and brain are not connected
b) i make the worst first impressions ever.

ALSO IT IS FINALLY MY BIRTHDAY A WEEK ON SUNDAY, GOOD TIMES.
(ignoring the fact i'll be all aloney on my owny for it)

Twincest is the way forward.

2009-06-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to see Brand New, who were amazing, but I won't bore you with all of the details of that, instead here is a lovely story of what happened to us on the way back..

Oxford Road Station, Manchester, 11.30pm
Me and Abi were say on a bench, eating a twix, when a friendly manchester crackhead comes up to us and says we're beautiful. We're pretty used to that looking like this, so we said thankyou and thought he'd go away.

But he didn't, he was relentless in his quest to get a decent conversation out of us, so he sat down next to us and struck up a conversation.
"I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE FROM, YOU'RE FROM WIGAN, I CAN TELL A WIGAN LASS WHEN I SEE ONE, I KNOW, I KNOW YOU'RE FROM WIGAN". (We're not).

But, eager to please, we agreed with him. Then, he decided that we were twins, and said that we were the "spitting image" of each other (we're quite clearly not) but, yet again, we agreed with him.
Next, our new found friend decided to test his psychic ability and guess our names. Obviously, being twins, we HAD to have rhyming names, so his first guess was Shelly (Abi) and Kelly (me). Of course, being the nice people we are, and not wanting to piss on his psychic bonfire, we agreed.
This was all a little too much for him. "FUCKING HELL, I'M GOOD AT THIS AREN'T I. I BET I KNOW HOW OLD YOU ARE AS WELL. YOU (at Abi) YOU'RE 17 AND YOU (at me) YOU'RE 20, I'M RIGHT AREN'T I.
Despite the fact that surely we'd be a bit more well-known if we were the only set of twins to be born 3 years apart we agreed, in the hopes that he'd be so awestruck by his own psychic ability he'd get bored and move on to his next set of unsuspecting clients. Needless to say, he didn't.
"Do you have boyfriends? I bet a pair of good looking lasses like you two have them lined up around the block!"
We don't, and we told him so, which inevitably led to him chatting us up. "Yas are single?! I'd be yer fella, and I'd look after yas real good, the pair of you." We were both keen to avoid getting talked into dating a 40 year old crackhead from Moss Side, so we told him that we were lesbians. With each other.
"Lesbians?! Fuckin' hell, I'd never of guessed that looking at yas" He then proceeded to tell us that he had nothing against gay people, and that if he was one himself he'd defintiely give us a good seein' to (despite the fact he'd still be male, and we'd still be female) but at this point our train arrived and our lovely encouter was cut short.
It was undoubtedly the funniest moment of my life, I laughed so hard I nearly saw my twix in reverse and this shitty story does no justice to the hilarity of the situation, but I guess you had to be there.

2009-05-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

jonathan leder.

give me just one week of danger at a time

2009-04-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

I just went to see the virgins at Ruby Lounge in Manchester. They were amazing and I think I'm in love with Don, and the venue was really good but the crowd was pretty shitty, especially a couple stood by me who were on facebook on their iphones ALL the way through, and the girl tagged a picture she took as "the vurguns" - less said the better, and a stupid prick with a mullet who got in the way of EVERY decent photo I took with his stupid hair stood at the front and spoke to his baldy mate alll the way through. Twat.
This is him. I hate him:

Also I took a shit video of rich girls, and discovered that the sound quality on my camera is the worst thing in the world ever.

The support was chew lips. They were good, this is them, and I would completely turn for the singer.

Also this week, me and Abzman went for a picnic and I made sandwiches and we had a basket and blanket and everytingz and tried to entrance a nice dog with monster munch so we could steal it. We failed. I just wrote 'enhance' but we didn't do that, the dog was nice already, it didn't really need much enhancing.

The excitement all got a bit too much for Abi.

2009-04-11T17:05:00.000-07:00

yesssss

lazy, lazy blogger

2009-03-16T09:56:00.000-07:00

my macbook is alive again!!

MY TOP HATE*:

- i am in dire, dire need of a haircut and i have no money whatsoever to my name,

- it is still approximately 9 weeks until official summer, i.e study leave.

- the fact that whenever i'm driving and i need a wee, i always manage to find the bumpiest roads ever, which has amounted to many frantic dashes home/to sainsburys/asda/morrisons/public toilets.

- attempting to watch what i say around sensitive people. i am not an easily censored person, i'll have you know, it takes an immense lack of thought to appear this dim.

- i really really love hollyoaks. tragic.

- i either have nothing to do of a weekend or i have about a million things. this weekend being a prime example. FML.

- i still have no keypad on my phone and my contract isn't up until november

- i still have six weeks of sixth form left. torture.

on the other hand, this saturday me and abi are driving to llandudno to show our love for wales, because they have a toboggan in a mountain, and that's the most exciting thing i've ever heard of and i can't think of a better combination than beaches and rain. get in.

in other news, i booked my brand new ticket, planned the majority of my summer, it's 2 weeks until leeds tickets come out and i had a dream involving jarvis cocker last night. luv u jarvis <333333333 also the weather today was epic so tomorrow i'm going to go and buy a dress.

*comic genius, you know it.

procrastinatin'

2009-02-22T15:57:00.000-08:00

i have so much work to do, i would rather be doing anything but this.
things i would do to avoid doing this work
- shave my head
- piss off chris brown
- cover myself in bread and feed myself to pigeons
- lick pete doherty's fingernails
- pick a fight with a nun

"who is the cunt in your clog?"

2009-02-18T09:16:00.000-08:00

is an actual text i just sent emma, sellotape phone hates me.

today i had my driving test and i failed because the examiner was a nazi, because i bumped the kerb during my turn in the road, and i braked too late at a red light and looked as though i wasn't going to stop.

all in all, i am the angriest person ever because:
-normally, i am the world's best at turn in the road, my nerves just made me about as good at driving as a paraplegic. and apparently, according to my instructor, you'd be unlucky to get a minor for bumping the kerb, and i got a serious, further proving the point that i am the unluckiest person in the world, ever.

-my inability to differentiate between red and green has proved the (well made) point that i am prehaps just a little bit "mentally impared"

- the examiner looked like this..

i think that there could be a definite future for me in artistic representations.

also, on monday night i had the misfortune to watch "he's just not that into you." basically, it was the worst film i've ever seen, the longest romantic comedy in the world and it had jennifer aniston in it, which is a sure-fire way to make ANYTHING shit. then we went and annoyed doggers, which more than made up for the shit film and me and jasmine actually nearly getting bladder cancer but that's a different story all together...

2009-02-04T13:35:00.000-08:00

reasons why i can be miserable:

- i am such a financial failure that i had no choice but to sell all of my ps3 games. and my ps3.

- my inability to motivate myself and my outstanding ability to sleep, drink tea and smoke has proved everybody right.

- IL N'Y A PAS DU RIBENA DANS MA MAISON. merde.

- my hair is at that horrifically awkward growing out length, my fringe makes me look like a reject member of a 90's boyband.

this is me, an hour ago.

- i just ate an entire 50g bar of somerfield value chocolate. it cost 25p and i think it contained salmonella.

- my mother is getting a foster child. in my house. taking over my position as pride and joy of the brassey household. poo.

reasons why i can't be miserable:

- i am going to paris with the best people in the world.

- i am probably going to london fashion week

- i have £200 and one less distraction now i've sold my ps3.

- ribena is bad for your teeth.

- ben from a1 was in celebrity big brother and apparently a1 are BRINGING OUT AN ALBUM which is exciting enough for me by itself, but it is also good news because it means that i will be ahead of the pack with my amazing hairstyle. rachel brassey, bringing back the 90's step by step.

- it's cold, and the chocolate will make me fat and then i'll be warm. it's foolproof.

je pense que j'ai la grippe and i'm becoming slightly delirious.

w0o0o0o0o0o0o, i'm excuted about paris and now i am not miserable at all. writing shit blogs is obviously the cure to ANY bad mood.

2009-02-01T11:30:00.000-08:00

"custard is my favourite sex aid"

2009-01-28T10:16:00.000-08:00

today in the newsagents we found cajun squirrel flavour crisps (what the fuck) and 'scarlet' magazine, which had katy perry on the front cover (who i will unashamedly admit might just be the love of my life) so we bought it.
it turned out to be ENTIRELY about sex, and weird fetishes and it was basically worth every penny of the £2.99 i paid for it, it's fucking hilarious.

some genuine quotes:

"try wearing more than one pair of tights, and tipping food between the layers. there are some surprising situations to be had from this, especially if you bend over or sit down with goo-filled tights"

"she stood aggressively lathering a thatch of black ringlets growing like a jungle from between her parted thighs" HORRIFIC.

"if you're sexually submissive, you might find you enjoy the humiliation of having a custard pie in the face, or you could try beans, mud or porridge" because who doesn't get turned on by porridge?!

also, i booked my driving test, it's like 2 and a bit weeks away, i have as much chance of passing as i do of passing my a levels, and i have 2 pieces of coursework i probably should start but then again i am the most unmotivated person in the world. ever.
and when i got out of the car at asda, 'scarlet' fell out of my bag, landing face down with this MASSIVE advert for a vibrator on the back, the shame.

"end of an era"

2009-01-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

let's face it, the only thing woolworths was ever good for was robbing pic + mix.

top 5 vice dos and don'ts

2009-01-04T14:36:00.000-08:00

5.) What is in that binbag? The child he stole that t-shirt from?

4.) Hello celibacy, I'm Rachel, i can see this friendship being an everlasting one, because this image is now permanently burnt into my poor, poor brain.

3.) There really aren't words enough...

2.) This raised two burning questions:
- Is that a fatsuit?! Surely that's not humanly possible.
- WHY ARE HER LEGS ON BACKWARDS?

1.) Best. Do. Ever.

2009

2009-01-02T10:22:00.000-08:00

i chose to bring it in in style, as per usual, i didn't think i was even going to make it until 12 though, i was horifically fucked by 9pm, and spent from 4-6 sitting by the toilet, so if you were at alex's and needed a wee, sorry.
this year, for once, i've made some new years resolutions
1) get fit - i basically prove the theory that you don't need to be a morbidly obese middle aged man to be deathly unfit, i went for a 5-minute jog the other day, came back and promptly spent about an hour recovering, my poor poor lungs. that sort of ties into my second one actually..
2) cut down on cigs - not down to health reasons, just due to the fact that i'm practically too skint to live, and the money gods frown down upon those who squander petrol money, which coincidentally is where my last £10 went today
3) win the lottery - pretty self explanitory really?!
4) LDN here i come, much as i love da norfff it's pretty dull, westminster uni is looking more attractive by the day.
5) achieve something, anything?! a few a levels would be alright..
6) read more. this was sparked by my realistation that the last book i finished was the hodgeheg at decemberember one night when my liver was hating on what i'd done to it, me and my sick bucket read it in bed together.
7) make more of an effort with everything

i probably should make some more important ones, such as "get healthy!" and "sober up!" but where is the fun in that?!

untitled

2008-12-17T13:35:00.000-08:00

why is american apparel shipping so expensive, i can't be arsed going to liverpool on friday, but i don't have £4 to waste on shipping, bad times! also tomorrow i am appearing in the highly anticipated upper sixth panto, i'm playing a talking mouse and an STD, i'm thinking this could probably end up being my big career break.
tomorrow night i'm going to a fancy dress party dressed as pebbles from the flintstones, lets hope i don't get "beatings" and end up bleeding the night away from various facial orifices, unlike saturday night, woop. also, i'm going away on saturday for decemberember, 2008 version of januember, annual 3 day pissup, this year looks set to be amazing, i'm expecting to have more communal showers/throw my vomit at people again/more police tellings off and various other things that us civilised people do on a weekend away, wooooooo.

amusant?

2008-12-15T13:14:00.000-08:00

well maybe just to me, but i can't be bothered to write a real post

Abi says: (23:02:36)
i once said i recycled to help les peches in the sea
rachel says: (23:02:41)
hahahahaha!!?!?
rachel says: (23:02:44)
SEA PEACHES?!
Abi says: (23:03:06)
FISH
Abi says: (23:03:08)
IS THAT NOT FISH?!!
rachel says: (23:03:25)
oh yeah, it is too
rachel says: (23:03:32)
i was thinking
rachel says: (23:03:43)
peches with a circumflex, that's peaches isn't it?!
Abi says: (23:04:01)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
rachel says: (23:05:29)
let's not be discriminatory, we can recycle pour aider les pêches de la mer aussi
Abi says: (23:05:43)
vraiment
rachel says: (23:06:10)
dans notre salle de francais, il y a un poster that is written in german about some child's dog called daisy
rachel says: (23:06:14)
and it says "sie ist jung fresch und lustig"
rachel says: (23:07:08)
which we translated as "young, fresh and lusty"
Abi says: (23:07:14)
AHAHAHA
rachel says: (23:07:24)
which i sincerely hope is wrong, or that child needs help

j'aime daisy, la chien que est jeune, fraiche et lusty.

dear mr. bill gates

2008-12-13T06:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
I have a proposition for you. Together, Mr Gates, you and I can single handedly stop the credit crunch in Britain, and save the country from recession. My plan is this: firstly, you give me all of your £30 billion, then I will re-invest it back into Britain's economy, helping the housing market by buying a variety of houses throughout the country and aiding the ailing luxury car manufacturers by investing a significant proportion of the money into them. Most importantly, I aim to invest the majority of the money into the retail business, which will help to keep many people employed, and will also help to keep me in designer handbags for the foreseeable future.
I believe that instead of donating your fortune to charity as you previously decided, that my plan is for the greater good, as charity only donates money to certain needy people, but my giving it to me you will benefit the entire needy population of Great Britain by preventing unemployment and bankrupcy on a very large scale.
I enclose my bank details, feel free to deposit the money as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely,
Rachel May Brassey
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sugar sugar candy pop

2008-12-02T11:10:00.000-08:00

things i'm currently obsessed with:

1.)bis. amazing!!!

2.)chanel two-tone tights, why oh why are you all £229 on ebay?!

3.)i know that this is from a fair few seasons ago, and i got over wanting it ages ago, but then i saw it again and fell back in love again!

4.) jeremy scott x adidas originals, AMAZING.

5.) tillybloom's etsy shop, i love this necklace so much, it's definitely on my xmas list.

6.) checking my email every ten seconds, i'm so desperate for an offer for leeds university, ahh.

7.) ppq/oli fusion, i'm getting this:

8.) george takei's voice on i'm a celebrity, so good.

also i only have £15 to buy this weeks cigarettes, i-D and food for the week. looks like i'm going hungry...
i promise i'll start posting more exciting blogs once i get my new camera, 23 days! i honestly don't know how i've managed these past few months without my camera, it's been awful!

katy perry?

2008-11-17T10:19:00.001-08:00

i so would

seriously considering buying this as well, and i'm dying my hair tonight, good times!

i'm

2008-11-15T13:29:00.000-08:00

overly ambitious, i don't want a desk job, in fact i don't want any sort of job that involves doing anything vaguely academic, so if anybody knows anyone who's looking for the next big thing, put a word in for me, i'm completely fluent in english, i can fit my leg behind my head and i can probably out-drink everybody else, ever.

jonathan leder

2008-11-12T15:39:00.000-08:00

his 35mms are really, really, really amazing.

it's a bit like soft-core porno at it's very best

you're the hipster type

2008-11-09T09:43:00.000-08:00

things like this make me pity the authors, i'm not saying i'm a "hipster" or anything, because i'm not and i would never label myself like that, but surely making the statement "The hipster represents the end of Western civilization – a culture so detached and disconnected that it has stopped giving birth to anything new." is taking the matter a little too far?!

in

2008-11-04T03:17:00.000-08:00

school, wasting time on frees as per usual
here is my guest blogger, jasmine

"hi laurence and emma :) AND RACHEL'S WIDE AUDIENCE(of course)
i'm trying to write a classics essay but rachel pulled me away to do this.
we're having a secret nostalgia night on saturday (happy birthday laurence)
because we're celebrating past bonfire nights we've had at emma's house and also this'll be our last ever bonfire night together :( sad times.
it's kind of nice to think that we've basically had a similar group of friends for a very long time, even with a few new entries and some departures there's always been . it's nice to think about gross and funny things we've done in the past because it means i can laugh about them when i'm freaking out when i arrive at uni.
but i have to go to a non existant art lesson right now, so bye guysss! xxxxx"

"only dull people are brilliant at breakfast"

2008-11-03T12:44:00.000-08:00

i hate winter mornings so much, i hate getting up in the cold whilst it's so, so warm in my bed because the radiator is on, i hate waking up whilst it's still dark and i hate it how it's so cold all day long because of queen's reluctance to turn on the radiators.
i also hate how winter has the ability to make any exposed inch of my skin crack and bleed, so i permanently have to slather on chapstick and hand cream and moisturiser, ew.
i also hate it how i am so, so poor right now, i've started joining online survey site, doing survey after pissing survey, so far i've earnt myself £2, haha! also i quite possibly have the most self-loathing EVER right now, i've never felt more disgusted at myself, well i have but i'm over-exaggerating as per, and also over-hyphenating but that's an entirely different point, all of these blogs are so shallow and self-centered but this is my place to vent and if you don't like it, nobody's forcing you to read it haha! but let's leave that at that, or else i'd be here forever complaining!
another really, really, really irritating thing at the moment is that agent provocateur is so nice, and i am so poor, and i want the leopard print bodysuit more than ANYTHING, and various other items of lingerie, sucks to be me!
also, other various things that are irritating me at the moment are people who CONSTANTLY do the same jokes/actions all the time, or just generally talk at you rather than to you, if i don't respond, it probably means you shouldn't do it again!

rant over!

why

2008-11-01T13:41:00.000-07:00

don't i look like them?!

sharks don't sleep

2008-10-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

LOS CAMPESINOS WERE AMAZING! last night was so so so much fun,

you said "he's got his teeth fixed"

2008-10-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

i'm gonna break them

los campesinos! tomorrow, i'm so so excited:)

about time!

2008-10-14T12:33:00.000-07:00

draft one!

“Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become.” - C.S Lewis.
This quote describes exactly why I have such a passion for English, which was first conceived during primary school, when I was awarded the school's prize for outstanding achievement in English Literature. From this point onwards, I have always wanted to pursue my interest in English.
Currently, at A level, I am studying English Language, which I find fascinating, and I enjoy investigating language change throughout the ages, which has given me an insight into how the language we use daily has been formed and influenced over time by idiosyncrasies of other languages, social advances such as the invention of the printing press, and how once considered dialectal features have now become standard. This encouraged me to read works of literature from many different periods of time, from Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales" to modern classics such as Salinger's "The Catcher in the Rye".
I have also read "The Stories of English" by David Crystal and "Mother Tongue" by Bill Bryson, both of which I found useful and insightful, and they stimulated yet more intrigue in the subject for me, which is another reason why I aim to pursue it at a higher level.
Also at A level I study Classical Civilisation and French, and part of both of the courses entails reading works of literature, which I particularly enjoy. In Classics, I have studied Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, and Virgil's Aeneid, which has enabled me to discover books which I would not have otherwise read, and has taught me a lot about how the styles of writing have changed over thousands of years, yet the books are not dissimilar to modern works. I've also been investigating social commentators in ancient times, such as Socrates, which has led me to read "The Apology" by Plato, and I've found this particularly interesting, as I have been able to draw parallels between the views of Socrates and the work of more modern social commentators, such as George Orwell, whose work I find immensely engaging, with my favourite pieces being "Animal Farm" and "Coming Up for Air".
In French I'm currently studying Sagan's "Bonjour Tristesse", and Joffo's "Un Sac de Billes", both which I thoroughly enjoy, and I love the challenge of interpreting the books in as many ways as possible, and translating them.
I also pursue my interest in English outside of the classroom. I regularly attend the "Literary Lunch" club at school, which gives me the opportunity to discuss books which I have read with others and share ideas about them, and listen to other people's thoughts and interpretations, which has helped me to look at literature with a far broader perspective, and has also introduced me to new books, such as Lionel Shriver's "We Need to Talk About Kevin", which is undoubtedly one of the most compelling and unpredictable books I have read.
Last year I took part in Young Enterprise, and was appointed Head of ICT within the company. I had many responsibilities, such as using my initiative to solve problems within the department, meeting deadlines, and leading a large group of people to succeed in various tasks. My biggest responsibility was organising a presentation for the regional finals, for which I won the award for "Best Presentation". Young Enterprise was a beneficial experience, as it has helped me to be more prepared for my future.
Combined with my eagerness to learn more about the language I speak and my ambition to read as many works of literature as possible, I believe that my aptitude for English and my love of the subject should fare me well in Higher Education, and I hope that I can pursue my dream of studying it for many years to come.
"The English language is nobody's special property. It is the property of the imagination: it is the property of the language itself" -Derek Walcott.

2008-10-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

i am ded gud plees giv me lots of offers for yur uni :)

personal statements going well

hello

2008-10-13T12:31:00.001-07:00

today i am in a generally foul mood, due to many, many unrelated things, not least the fact that my ucas deadline is wednesday and i've written only 200, and those 200 are complete shit and make me seem completely illiterate and inarticulate, not that my blogs do anything to prove otherwise...

i'm going to bed.